How to survive adult life?

Foto: Gerlinde de Geus

What did you think when you saw Jurriaan’s video?
“I was astonished. I actually thought people would have forgotten about Hoe overleef ik (HOI). I had no idea it was still such a part of this group of young people’s lives. I found it moving. On top of that, it was a funny coincidence. Just that afternoon I was thinking what I should do with my life. I had previously had a number of conversations with young people about their mental health problems and wanted to do something with that. Jurriaan’s post a few hours later was a kind of cosmic sign to really get started. In fact, as I understood later on, this was why he had posted initially. In the sense that he was also momentarily at a loss as to who could help and he thought, oh, maybe Francine Oomen can. The How to Survive books are in the DNA of an entire generation – that’s something I hadn’t realised until that moment.”
 
You received more than four thousand responses. Were there any common themes?
“I actually tried to sift them out myself, by using a mood board to pick out the various recurring themes. One of the most important things I identified has to do with the education system. In the Netherlands, and perhaps even worldwide, education is purely focused on cognition. But little attention is devoted to who you are, what you want, how you deal with your emotions, how to set boundaries and set out your needs. As a result, many people get stuck in a rut, become ill, and fall into depression or burnout.”

“These young people think that there is something wrong with them. They allow themselves to be convinced that they have a disorder, that they need to take medication and this only reinforces the feeling that there is something wrong with them. Depression and burnout doesn’t just come out of the blue. This generation is the first that has had the guts to talk about these issues. In the past, we didn’t talk about mental health problems and everything got kept behind closed doors. In How to survive I always emphasised that talking about things helps. Don’t bottle things up, you’re not on your own: everyone struggles with the same things.”

Foto: Uitgeverij Volt

Are the issues that young people have to deal with these days different from 25 years ago when you first started How to survive (Hoe overleef ik)?
“No, not necessarily. We all doubt our own abilities and ourselves. Issues such as the right to exist and what we have to do to be loved are issues that affect everyone and have always existed – even in my case.”
 
“If traumatic events aren’t processed, they are passed on. Previous generations went through so much, like the wars, sexual abuse, the oppression of women. Current figures show that one in four girls has experienced sexual or physical violence before the age of eighteen. For the generations that came before, that figure may have been one hundred per cent. At that time, women were still completely dependent on men and the culture was much more closed off at all events. Dirty laundry was folded up neatly and kept indoors. There is so much frustration among women who were unable to student and get a job and fulfil their potential.”

“My grandmother was one of the first women to go to university to study law. My mother was dismissed when she announced that she was getting married, which was very much the norm at the time. People didn’t speak about what was going on on the inside very much, if at all. And we’re still not taught how do that now. If a young person is suffering from depression, there is a good chance that this is also affecting other family members. In such cases, people say that it’s determined genetically – except it isn’t. There’s trauma in the family that hasn’t been dealt with and the consequences of that are passed on to the next generation. Burnout, which is very common, even in young people, is close to depression in terms of its symptoms.” 

The title of the new book is: How to survive all the things I don’t tell anyone about. It’s a lot less specific than “How to survive puberty” or “How to survive my friendships”.
“The book is about what happens when you keep things secret, when you have to or choose to solve the issues that happen to you on your own. It’s about separation and connection. The first thought that occurred to me when I read the 4,500 emails people sent me was: do your parents and your friends know this is going on in your life? Trauma, which has increasingly become clear from studies done in recent years, occurs when someone experiences something bad on their own. If you’ve experienced something unpleasant and are not on your own, it usually leaves few traces. But if you don’t get support or are afraid to or can’t talk about it, then unpleasant events can have lifelong consequences. “Talk about it” isn’t a meaningless expression – connecting with others is essential. The loneliness, the suicides, the cases of depression among young people are related to loneliness, not being able to express feelings or being afraid to, coupled with shame and fear.”

What’s your relationship with Rosa, the main protagonist of this book, like after so many years?
“I have been following Rosa since she was eleven. She’s 25 years old now and has been through a lot. All the characters are character studies and there’s a piece of myself in each of them. Rosa is most similar to me, for example, in terms of her low self-esteem and the consequences that has. That feeling of being on your own. My parents got divorced when I was twelve. They went through some things and developed survival strategies, like everyone does, and, as a child, that’s something you pick up. Whenever she’s having a tough time, Rosa withdraws and closes herself off; as a child, she learned that she only had herself to rely on. That’s the starting point of the book. Rosa is alone and unhappy. I’m all too familiar with her survival mode. It took me many years of therapy to do things differently.” 
 
What has writing the book and doing the podcast done for you? Have they changed your perception of this generation?
“As a teenager, I always thought that I was having a really hard time. But actually, things can be a lot more difficult once you’re in your twenties. You’re not able to fall back on the safety of your family, all of a sudden you have to go it alone: those are the years in which you’re working on creating your own nest.”

“As part of this project, I’ve spoken to a lot of young people and read thousands of emails. I feel that the education system, the failing role of the healthcare system and the pharmaceutical industry play a significant role within this problem. In my podcast, I ask listeners to think about a new subject to be taught at school, starting in primary school, in which you learn more about yourself, about who you are and what you want. It’s about self-knowledge. About how to deal with your needs, boundaries, feelings, emotions, yourself and each other. It’s about communication. A kind of toolbox for life. People really respond to that. People from all kinds of disciplines agree that there is a significant demand for that and have offered to contribute ideas. I hope to be able to provide an impetus and contribution to the development of such a subject. I believe that it might be able to contribute a great deal in a lot of different areas in the short and long term. Both in the area of personal well-being, but equally in economic terms. At university, on average, only one in five makes it to the end of the academic year. Why is that? Many students run aground, suffer from mental health problems, are very stressed and have significant student debt. They have the cognitive knowledge, but don’t have a toolbox for themselves and their lives.”
 
You provide a list of tips in each book, as well as in your podcast. What is the best advice you have been given that has helped you in your own life?
“Actually, I’ve never been given very much advice – or not listened to it, at least. Haha. Being a stubborn, self-made individual. I follow my heart and intuition as much as possible. Intellect and reason provide the practical interpretation. Your intuition has all the answers, but following your intuition does have consequences, because you will sometimes have to make decisions that might cause inconvenience or disappoint people. However, as I always say: it’s better to turn halfway than to persevere in error.”